I seriously feel the need to vent right now more than I have in a long time.

There is this girl, Lindsay, who is married to Michael’s ex-best friend, Tim. They served together in the Marine Corps. Now, mind you-they would probably still be friends if it wasn’t for this horrible woman. The only way I can think to explain Lindsay is that she really is the perfect example of the “Stepford Wife”. She is the most controlling, perfectionist girl bitch I know!

So while they were in Afghanistan she somehow managed to spend every bit of money they had. Michael loaned them $5,000 right after they got back to help buy a car. He wasn’t married (or engaged) at the time, and didn’t have a child to spend the money on-and they did. So he helped them out.

A month later-Michael comes home, proposes, and I left to go back to Hawaii with him. We stayed with Tim & Lindsay for the first 3 weeks as planned-and then I couldn’t take it anymore. I could not take her perfectionism and the way she acted anymore. So we stayed with another couple after the wedding for the remainder of the time I was in Hawaii, which was a little over 2 months longer. When we first got to Hawaii Tim took $500 out of the money Michael had loaned him to pay for a junker car for us to use while I was there. So they still owed him/us another $4,500. They had agreed that Tim would pay Michael back the rest of the money when he got his re-enlistment bonus.

This was only supposed to be about 9 months away…which turned into 18 months…which turned into, well, Never! We would write and bring it up occasionally in the beginning and it was explained away. Well approximately a year ago I emailed them on two different email accounts and sent the same message on MySpace. The original message was read & ignored! I was very upset because by this time it had been two years since the money was loaned to them -and Michael and I really needed the money. He was laid off–and we had a brand new baby. I sent a second message-still “proper” but probably slightly more hateful. Again this message was read (you can tell on MySpace) and no response was given.

Michael is the type to try to avoid confrontation and wanted to let it drop! So while it has eaten away that they could take such advantage of my husband-I have dropped the subject. In this past 3+ years we know that he has finished his training for his new MOS (which means received partial or all of his bonus), as well as deployed and returned from Iraq. They have had yet another child–and bought a house!

Tonight-Lindsay added me on Facebook. Soon afterward she sent me a message on the Facebook instant messenger. She was very “blah” in the conversation but basically never acknowledged the fact of the wrong they’ve done us. She spoke shortly with me and then said she needed to go. Later I returned to Facebook and realized she took me off of her friends list.

I just do not understand how somebody can be so selfish. I never understood the phrase “makes my blood boil” until I met this woman. She is literally the one person in this world that I cannot stand. The sad part is that Tim is a good guy-and she just walks all over him…
All she cares about is having her perfect life.

I’m sad…and angry…

In a way, we military wives tend to be a bit like recruiters. We have seen the good, the bad, and the ugly when it comes to living the military lifestyle. We know what its like to deal with paperwork screw-ups, frequent moves, and constantly having to readjust our lives to keep up with the military. Yet, even with all the bad we are still there encouraging our fellow mil-spouses to keep our strength and to “enlist” in the lifestyle.

I know that I personally feel this way. Lately I feel I haven’t been as supportive as I could be. The Army has us doing the “hurry up and wait” routine and it is getting frustrating. We have yet to receive orders–even though Michael has been done with training for his new MOS for 5 weeks. We have had to be seperated by 900 miles for over an extra month because they can’t get our paperwork processed.
I am trying to stay upbeat-but it is difficult sometimes.

Well–not too much longer. We’re getting so close–so of course there is more stress. I move all of our stuff from the apartment to a storage building a week from today–then I get to live with my parents for a couple of weeks-not too much looking forward to that too much. I like having my own space, my own stuff.

I’m trying to get everything packed up for the move. He got contacted by his sponsor yesterday-and it looks like we’re going to end up at Schofield Barracks instead of Fort Shafter. I kind of wish we were going to be at Fort Shafter still–at least the housing would’ve been much faster. We’ll figure it out somehow.

Whatever..just a couple weeks and I get to be with my husband again. That makes it all better…

Well-Michael left today for the field. So no talking to the hubby until Friday. So that sucks-but I guess the positive spin on it is that it means we are almost done with training and can get on with our lives.

In good news though– I GOT MY NEW PHONE!! Thank goodness! I didn’t think I could take another day of a crappy phone.

I have always been a major pack-rat…I keep stuff I should’ve gotten rid of a long time ago; clothes/shoes I know I’ll never wear again, notes from highschool, textbooks from college that I will never use & even the stores won’t buy back…just so much random crap that just sits in boxes for no particular reason other than the fact that I can’t bare to let loose of it.
Over the past 6 months though I have gotten rid of so much stuff. I had to move without Michael and I just started throwing stuff away. Now in the last few weeks I have been at it again–going through and getting rid of stuff again. I’ve thrown some stuff away-and sold some stuff online. It’s like I’m trying to declutter my life–which I’m sure is a good thing-but then again, what if I regret it later?

I feel like a complete wreck. Its so stupid but I feel like all I have been doing is breaking down the last few days. I keep going from being really angry to crying like a big baby. Kincaid fell asleep early tonight so I climbed in the tub to take a nice hot bubble bath–read a book–and try to relax. Instead I end up bawling…I tend to do my best (??) crying in the bathtub. Not quite sure why-but its so true. Then of course I almost got out with only one shaved leg. *sigh*

I miss my husband…that’s all…

I feel like my head is totally somewhere else. I’m just ready to move and be with Michael again. I hate this waiting game and not knowing what is going on!! Just like another 5 weeks…I just keep trying to tell myself it will be here soon.

I am so proud of myself right now. Over the last few days I have sold several items over Craigslist. This is a big deal because I am quite a pack rat. I don’t like to get rid of anything.

I went through and have sold a lot of baby items and clothing that we no longer need…as well as random other items. And with this money I’ve been able to pretty much get the items we did need that we didn’t have. Now we have a “new” dining set and living room furniture. I also got a cheap bookcase. I want to buy one of those “sit-n-stroll” combination stroller for when we PCS next month. Hopefully I’ll be able to find a good deal on one.

I really hope that the next couple of months fly by. I’m starting to get impatient again. I can always tell when its starting to get to me again because I start trying to plan everything out…researching housing…making tons of to-do lists; not that any of that is really doing any good right now. I know I need to find something besides Kincaid to keep me busy–Netflix isn’t going to be enough, though I am enjoying it.

I’m so tired…it seems like I’m always tired. I wish Michael didn’t have evening classes because our sleep schedules are so different. I feel like we never talk–and when we do–I don’t always know what to say or Kincaid gets fussy.

I just miss my husband. I miss falling asleep next to him. He always gripes that I don’t let him hold me (I can’t help that I get claustrophobic)…but I’d rather have him here and feel like I have no room to breathe–than him be sleeping in another bed almost 900 miles away.

Michael,

So I can’t sleep…I feel tired, exhausted even, but then when I lay down I just cannot keep my eyes closed. My mind feels like its on speed. I don’t even think that I could tell you what half of the thoughts are that keep going through my head though. After several nights of repeating this–I’m starting to get frustrated.

Kincaid has slept in his bed a few times now. He does okay-but its a lot more difficult and time consuming to get him to fall asleep there. I somehow ended up with him back in here tonight though in our bed. I know it probably sounds silly to you-but I feel better having him there. You’re gone-and he makes me feel not so alone.

..and I do feel alone. I’m strong. I know I can handle it. I’ve dealt with worse-but its still difficult. I regret not going with you to Georgia. I know it was smarter to stay here-but I would be happier to be close to you. I know the distance is just part of the military lifestyle-and I accept it. It just doesn’t make it any easier to be away from you for so long. I worry sometimes that you’re going to adjust too well to being on your own–and be happier living that way than you do with me. Of course I don’t want either of us to be miserable–but I don’t want us to ever “adjust” to being apart…if that makes any sense..

I think the miscarriage has made the lonliness stronger. It has been bothering me a lot worse than I’ve really been letting on to anyone. It was tough to accept the idea of being pregnant again at first–but I was happy at the idea of giving Kincaid a little brother or sister. Its like as soon as I was excited–it was all over. It all just happened so fast–though I guess some people would say that was a good thing.

I know this has all probably been very random…and pointless to read. It has taken me over an hour of dazing off just to write this. I’m sure I could write 10 times this much with everything that is going on in my head-but I better not…I guess I’ll try again to get some sleep. At least in my dreams you never seem as far away.

I love you Michael…truly more than any words or touch could ever show just how much…but I hope you’ll let me spend the rest of our lives trying to prove it to you.

Always,

Jess